I review: a packet of Snakata crisps.

Upon opening the pack, one is aroused by the scent of corn, while not overpowering, one's attention is brought to the contents of this bag. The bag, white and purple, is neither painful or soft on the eyes, merely the chest to the treasure inside. As with all crisps' bags, it is stiff, yet malleable to the touch. Bearing images of the contents, black-and-white photographs of beach-goers and what would appear to be a pinata (on a backing of florals) on the front, the back of the package is lavished with nutritional information, ingredients, warnings, recommendations and advice. The all-important "Best Before" date appears to have been printed in a new font to that of the 1990's style, heralding the new, competitive nature of the crisps industry.

When one reaches into the bag, one does not have to reach deep for this plentiful and rich crisp, as there is a massive 30 grams (net, and for the experienced corn/rice crisp consumer, they will understand how many a crisp this is), and, upon producing one of the contents, (if care has been taken in packaging and shipping) one will find a triangular-shaped crisp, light in weight, but heavy in flavour. The packaging informs me that these are purported to taste of "Sweet Chilli" and "Sour Cream", not forgetting, of course the corn and rice that goes into the foundation of such a crisp. Upon extensively taking in the full aroma that accompanies the crisp, one, with the delicate palate can sense the whiffs of, indeed, sour cream, but, to the more advanced connoisseur, perhaps herbs and chives, with such a taste certainly present. For this package, the cream may have been slightly milk-heavy.

The taste? What can one say? Certainly the acclaimed flavours are present, and with authority. The chilli is an alarming sensation to the tongue and senses, and immediately causes the consumer to wonder if there will be a drink at the end of the packet, at the most. For the beginner and 'new' connoisseur, a drink may be required at hand after four to five crisps. As the chilli's impact subsides though, one immediately notices that which was the aroma: sour cream, with the additional herbs and chives. As the dull sting from the chilli resonates in one's mouth, the sour cream is a wonderful taste to accompany this, so much so that one is enticed for the next crisp almost immediately.

Upon finishing the packet, this consumer found only one abnormal crisp: a one-third base. For the budget connoisseur, this could be a worrying, somewhat disappointing, find in the package, however, for those that languish away in their money, this will be of no concern. If, like the reviewer, you don't actually pay for your snacks, it will not even be an issue.

As a whole, these crisps delight the senses and fill the stomach, making this (along with its said health benefits: lacking in artificial flavour and gluten, oven baked and "guilt free" (though I would like to examine the scientific data on this finding before I jump to any conclusion on whether I will experience guilt prior, during or after consumption)) quite the well-founded crisp in this reviewer's opinion. The delicate, but sustained, balance of aroma and taste, of texture and edibility, of sweet chilli and sour cream, only makes this even more of a "must stock" for any household.

9/10.

Thomas.

Famous! I am upgraded to celebrity status!

I'd like to thank Samuel for the interview. If anyone requires contact with me from now on, you'll have to go through my manager.

Samuel's Persiflage - Guest: Clayton Northcutt.

Thomas.

Watch this. Applicable, even if not American. There's not much I can say about how great this commentary is.

Thomas.

Long over due, and somewhat talked about (and soon to be promised) here follows the latest (and unfortunatly last, for the time being) Thomas vs. Scammer correspondence. It first started a long, long time ago (August to be precise, and that's where you'll find the first email), and it finished quite a while ago, however, in order to benefit from the soon-to-be buzz, I feel posting it now is far more appropriate:

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your response, as stated in my earlier email, I represent Mr. Mikhail khordokovsky, the former C.E.O of Yukos in Russia. I am sure you know of his predicaments presently and this is why we need your help

I am sure you are up to date with M.K.and Mr. P**** affair.

Mr. P**** is intent in destroying M.K. and his business empire, We are working to get a break from the courts and we will need all the cash call we can muster to hold our head above waters in the coming days.

The Channel Island portfolio is one of our arms yet to be infected by the Moscow led federal tax offensive designed to bring us down and we need you to help us keep it so. We need funds from this portfolio and we can not get the funds on our own without arousing Moscow. To avoid this we need to completely reprofile the funds from Channel Island portfolio in your name so as to turn away Moscow and their ally from us.

The complete amount available for you for reprofiling is presently over $450m and the 4% still stands. The new beneficiaries of the portfolio will need to offset the back taxes to the authorities in Channel Island and move the funds online over the internet through a dedicated confidential bank access that I will obtain from M.K. in Moscow through existing channel of communications.

Once I get your name or company name, address, for identity to replace that of M.K. and reprofile the portfolio accordingly, then I will get the bank access across to you to access the portfolio, pay the back taxes to the authorities and move the funds to another account we will provide you in Monte Carlo and you keep the 4% as agreed.

I will also suggest you visit these news sites on the internet to be better informed about this project.

I sent our current conversational status to Moscow and have received the authority to proceed with you, and get some clarifications both ways.

Before I am able to give out the information that will enable you access confidential data-pages of Mikhail, I would need some information as follows:

(1) What is your net worth?
(2) If you have problems, do they affect your activities you undertake with us as an individual rather than a corporate entity?
(3) Have you handled large funds, and successfully?
(4) Can you travel to jersey in Channel Island within short notice of say three days?

All the answers will be kept very confidential. I must explain why we are asking these questions: If you do have existing profile problems, we may end up inheriting your backlog thus creating a problem where none exist.

We intend to liquidate a large investment, and take the capital appreciation derivative to provide a new investment fund, under your management, for future investments, thus negating any requirements for taxation or declaration of process for income generation.

However, if you do have issues prior to this, it puts anything you do in the light, and thus puts us in uncomfortable situation. As you can see, our assets are frozen in Switzerland, and while we have excess of USD5b lying there, we are unable to liquidate them, or use them as guarantee for payment of the USD3.5b back taxes inflicted on us by the government. If the situation does not improve, we shall be bankrupt before the end of forth quarter this year.

The funds being liquidated arise from independent investments of the group, outside the Russian soil, so we can legitimately do so, only if this is done quietly. If the authorities hear about this, we shall have to tender it for hearing in international judicial systems, and that will kill us.

Hence answer the questions in honesty, and let us know we are comfortable with you. We are trying to ensure that you do not put us in any trouble, and likewise, we shall provide you with an input as an entity with no history to the investment, only as a management consultant.

Everybody must be safe now and in the future, hence the questions.

I await your response.

Thanks in advance.
Regards,
Mrs Larisa Sosnitskaya

I didn't quite know where the Channel Islands were, so I didn't think twice about having to travel there on short notice. I'd even prepared my Hawaiian shirts, shades, sandles, the whole deal. Anyway, I replied:

Mrs. Larisa Sosnitskaya

After reading your very informative and compelling, though somewhat confusing (alas I am no expert in business or things of involved with money, which is testament to why my wife balances my books, at home, and is my company accountant) email, I believe I may be of some use to you and your noble, even if under attack, company.

You asked for my net worth. Roughly, I believe it to be approximately $15, 630, 500 Iraqi Dinar cash, and approximately $16, 746, 500 Iraqi Dinar in investment abroad. Unfortunately, this does not take into account my stocks, bonds and loans, as I would be required more time to obtain this information. My investments are generally in the slave labour market; funding (so-called) “raids” along the African coast, the transportation of “captured” individuals aboard my boats (whether or not the National Boating Society wish to regard them as such), and the like.

As far as handling this venture, I do not have a problem handling this on a personal level. In fact, I would prefer not to involve my company if at all possible. Any sort of physical contact, though, would be difficult, at least at my headquarters, as the group of protesters who have picketed my building for three and a half years straight has significantly grown. I suspect that those dirty Green politicos have something to do with it. Therefore, I believe any correspondence should occur through email, as I regularly check for such business opportunities. It also ensures an extra amount of confidentiality in the matter.

As far as the ability to travel, as I have already stated I travel quite extensively. I do not trust commercial airline travel, and fly exclusively on my corporate jet. Being able to travel on short notice should not be a problem so long as I don't have any conflicting business travel. I travel to Paris and London frequently, and could possibly schedule a trip to Jersey, Channel Islands around such a trip. Once I know a proposed schedule I would better be able to let you know.

I am very busy, and do not have much time to waste on this matter. If you are indeed serious about this venture, then I welcome the opportunity to provide assistance. I am not yet fully comfortable with this venture at this point, but as you say, maybe through correspondence and getting to know each other better, we can proceed with trust and confidence.

Possibly yours in business,

Thomas.

For the above, I actually put the Iraqi Dinar in superscript, so, while actually telling them that I wasn't worth anything over $30, 000 AUD, I certainly did not try and over-inflate my own worth. Anyway, here was the the timely response:

Dear Thomas,

Thank you for your prompt response and i understand your decision to undertake the business on the personal level instead of company,it removes the hindrances occassioned by company bureaucracies and encumberances such as taxes and liabilities.

WE HAVE A DEAL BUT BEFORE WE PROCEED WE MUST HAVE ASSURANCE FROM BOTH SIDES:

Find attached a copy of my valid identification for your record.i implore you to send your asap and send me a private telephone number to call you on so that we can have the assurances on both sides.

On receipt of the I.D., i will pass information to the bank to reprofile the portfolio in your name and give you the bank to access access the portfolio and pay the back taxes to the authorities and move the funds to another account we will provide you in Monte Carlo and you keep the % as agreed.

I await your response.

regards

Larisa.

There were files attached to the email, but I felt that my precious bandwidth (the limit of which I struggle to achieve) wasn't worth wasting on what was going to, obviously, be a reliable picture. I couldn't wait to respond:

Dear Larisa,

Thank you for your quick response!

Sorry for the delay in response on my end. I had to attend one of my investments in Iraq. I recently funded the building of a new synagog in Baghdad, but after completion, it disappeared. There were reports that sections of it could be found in a five mile radius, however, I was unable to find any significant pieces to reuse in my fourth attempt.

I expect I will be able to forward a copy of my passport soon. I ran into a snag on that front as I couldn't find my actual passport. Doesn't that always happen? You can find any one of your “unofficial” ones, but when you need the real thing, it goes missing. Anyway, I have located it, and it is on it's way to me.

Yours in business,

Thomas.

Heres the last few emails:

Dear Thomas,

Thank you for your response.

PLEASE KNOW THAT WE MUST HAVE YOUR INFORMATION BEFORE WE CAN PROCEED. PLEASE ASAP SEND ME A PRIVATE TELEPHONE NUMBER SO THAT I CAN CALL YOU ON SO WE CAN HAVE THE ARRURANCES ON BOTH SIDES AND ALSO YOUR VALID IDENTIFICATION.

We need this information so as to pass to the bank to reprofile the portfolio in your name..
In regards to contacts here for Dams, I can not help you out in this regards.

Please ensure you send the needed contact information in a fast manner.
I await your response.
regards
Larisa

Well, I felt it was about time to get serious with this business venture and send along a copy of my passport. First stop: Google. Finally, the "copy" (I recommend clicking there) found its way to Larisa via Photoshop. Alas it was the last email that would be exchanged, which made me twig she was a scammer and now can run rampart with a copy of Thomas' passport!

Larisa,

Good news! I've attached a copy of my passport for your use. Hopefully you find it of use. I remember getting that photo, I had just got the state-of-the-art haircut and busted out the good clothes.

Regards,
Thomas.

Thomas.

In news out today, Natasha Stott Despoja has made the decision to end her political career at the end of her current term of service. This will leave quite a hole in the Australian Democrats' ranks, really, because she is the only known face of the party to those who can't be bothered in keeping up with the muck down there in Canberra. So, in an effort to bring the Democrats back from this blow, I've compiled them a list of possible replacements:

- Former Republican Senator Mark Foley - Now, because the Democrats are, in electoral efforts (in a word), lagging, perhaps a man that appeals to the younger demographics would be well suited.
- Shoaib Akhtar - Why not? I mean, sure, he is a drug cheat, but that's ok, because all I'm hearing is that if he receives any sort of punishment, it would be a 'drag' on the popularity of cricket, because he is a 'character'. So why not draw on his appeal to the bogans and derelicts who would rather watch flashy, crap cricket against those who would rather watch good?
- Kate Ellis - The only thing that could make the Australian Democrats party appealing, even if it isn't for their policies.
- Satan - It doesn't really matter who the Democrats get into their folds they are never going to be a serious party. So why not bring in a guy who's liable to bring them the spotlight of publicity? Sure, he stands for death and destruction and all those 'horrible' things, and is the bane of humanity, but those policies don't come around that often, do they?
- John Howard - See: Satan.
- A rope with a yellow smiley face stuck on it - After all, the Democrats are only there as a game of tug-of-war for Labour and Liberal to give them the majority votes. And the yellow smiley face? Well it appeals to everyone!

Thomas.

With an absolute lapse in activity on my part (though not so much with the tinkering of the template of the page I'll have the less-astute know) I feel I need to explain myself to the handful of readers (and the dozens of scoffers) who actually feel the need to visit my little homage to banality.

You see, between last Friday and 10:15 this evening, I came to the realisation that my life is, in fact, dull. Well, dull isn't really the right word for my existence. Perhaps the old adage of 'watching paint dry' is far more applicable, because for most days, that is honestly what I feel like I am doing: watching the paint dry. Whether its sitting (or standing have you) on a CityRail Death Carriage, working, studying, attending lectures, walking from here to there, driving from place-to-place, I am watching the paints of my life effectively dry.

Now I know this post is taking the tones of some sort of depressive on a somber path to Emo Land, but I am coming to a point.

Now, take my humble, meager blog and compare it to the likes of SamuelGordonStewart.com or New Lines From A Floating Life, two blogs that I link to (and unfortunately the only two blogs that I find I am eager to check up on), and I am nothing. Am am but a grain of sand that is the long, white beach of NLFAFL and the crashing waves of SGS.com. Now why is this?

I thought I had the answer earlier in the week in between contrasting Piaget's theories with that of Lev Vygotsky's and trying to (with very little success) pick out my subjects for next year. I thought that I had nothing to blog about because nothing interesting has been happening in my garden of activity. Then I realised that, well, things have, in fact, been happening, but I am just too damn lazy to get up and do anything!

I am a lazy do-hickey.

That's all I am. I could have blogged about how it was my birthday a few days ago, the events that happened then yadda yadda yadda. I could have finished one of the many, many, posts that all I have to do is write a couple of paragraphs and it's postable. I could have written about how my sister is going through all the same shit I was going through this time two years ago at HSC time, and what I did, and how I coped (albeit this could be, shock, awe and gasp, very personal, tedious and ultimately boring). I could have written about how, after reading a mere single book from the twelve in the collection, I am consumed by my new favourite text: Paradise Lost. I could have written about the developments that have occurred already at YouTube after the Google buyout. But I didn't. All the ideas are there (Australia's cricket performance and future chances, movies I've recently seen, movies I intend to make, my new camera, functional grammar (in the efforts of annoying The Viper, who unfortunately loathes one of the greatest English subjects I have ever done), the scammer that I have been sitting on for about a month now (and have been alluding to for quite some time now), Internet behaviour and etiquette and my thoughts on that (which is likely to actually incite discussion among the Internet active users, not the passive users (both of which are defined in the post))). But, again, I ask did I act on any of these ideas? No, of course not.

I'm lazy after all.

I begin to wonder if it's the fact that I am lazy or I am complacent in that a post will come to me and write itself with no effort (see many of my earlier posts). I reside in the fact that it is both, and probably more, which, if I discuss here, will mean this blog goes from being an extension of me to a part of me, and there is way too much crapola in there to be writing about, trust you me.

So I tried to figure out a solution, drawing on all the brainpower (about the same amount of wattage to power, well, static) I could muster and I came up with a few emo reasoning's, a couple of sensible answers, but nothing to cure my disease of laziness. Disease is the wrong word, because it implies there is treatment. With laziness, there is no treatment. If you are like me, lazy, complacent, the definition of a bludger, you are stuck like that. I can remember (hazily though) in a drunken stupor telling a girl who, being in my sister's year, about to begin the HSC not to waste the opportunity to hit the sky with your marks, as I did. Did I choose to waste the opportunity that I had worked to come HSC exams? Yes. How did I make that choice: through shear laziness. Nothing else. I could have studied. I could have done that extra month's work. I didn't do either, and I think about it and kick myself about it each day: that I didn't (oh! behold the words of many a teacher here) apply myself.

As a side note, advising a female about not wasting academics opportunity, while drunk, is not a successful method of trying to get them to call/email/talk to you again. I'll remember that.

So where has this mournful rambling led us to? To the realisation that I am one lazy S.O.B., that I really am nothing in the scheme of things, and that I am probably one f'd up jack up in the head. Well, that last one is a guarantee, I promise you that.

The saddest part about this post is I'm not even drunk while writing it. I am running on a mere two hours sleep between 9 a.m. Friday and 11:40 p.m. Saturday (35 hours, or there abouts, if my lack-of-maths in the HSC serves me correct). Never-mind, I expect (though don't hold out as I may have let myself down on what I am thinking about at the moment) I may be cheered up by mid next week. I mean, sure, uni finishes up for the semester, I'll have picked my subjects and, thus, major, and ultimately decided my future (as best I can), won back The 18 Cup, enjoyed my last train ride for (bar my exam days) six months, and begun the countdown for my 'big trip', but these are minor, trivial aspects of my life next week ...

Thomas.

Everyone remembers 9/11/01 and what happened.

Well, a plane crashed into another building two days ago in America. What was that date?

10/11/06

Now, because the year is really year 6, write it like:

10/11/6

Turn it upside down:

9/11/01

FREAKY!

Thomas.

Steve Fielding really must be moving up on Barnaby Joyce's 'Most Hated' list . First Joyce opposes V.S.U. (for some odd reason). Fielding saved the day, though, and voted the V.S.U. through the Senate. I even remember toasting to 'our friend' Steve at Macarthur Chilli's, the speech lead by Mr. Pseudonym.

Then comes along the new media laws that Howard & Co. were hoping to get through the Senate without qualms. Well, Joyce sticks up his head and demand change for his pawn vote. So, they succumb, still hoping to get the bill passed. Joyce, however, holds out. But who swoops in to save the day once more? That's right! Super Steve. In he dashes to get that 'great' bill through*. He is quickly becoming Howard's favourite me guesses.

I suspect that when Johnny tries to push through his 'Perpetual Prime Minsterial Role', Fielding (after getting the clause that the P.M. is responsible to God and that he will ban homosexuality and pornography) will give him that crucial vote so that, even after death, Howard will still be running the country.

Hell, he'll probably get more votes than Beazley in that sort of race.

Thomas.

*Do note, dear reader, that my perceived enthusiasm for Howard's reforms is quite different to what I actually believe.