The following people, in my mind, should be obliged to give their seat up on trains for the elderly, the senior, (most) women, the disabled, the pregnant and me:

- Kids
- Teenagers
- Men
- Feminists (those left over from the most; especially if they have recently said that they are not treated equally)
- Communists (because everyone should be standing or everyone should sitting by their logic, right?)
- Fat people

Yes, fat people. On my daily trip into the hell-hole that be Sydney City, I was astonished and amazed that as I set foot upon CityRail's Carriage of Death, not one soul, person or being (as, in my mind, there are many a non-persons out there) saw it fit to stand and graciously, though with due reason, offer their seat to me. Far be it from the fact that I was, in all assessment, younger than anyone else I could spy, or that I am fit enough to stand (though hardly fit enough to do much else) or that I am in no way physically disabled; is it too much to expect to be offered a seat?

Apparently so. However, I was further alarmed at the fact that I could have, in all honesty, had my seat, if the average weight on one side of the train was lower than 200kgs. Yes, it was Fat Camp Excursion Day (or something to that effect). I'm surprised I didn't fall to the side upon entering the carriage, as four rather large, hell, fat/obese persons were sitting in a row on the bench in the area that is neither upstairs nor down (limbo perhaps?).

I cocked an eyebrow (as best I could, which isn't too successful) and stood up against the door, eying off and abusing (internal monologue of course, for fear of being consumed by those being mentally abused) each of the 5-times-a-day McDonalds patrons that had so rudely caused me an inconvenience and dishonour. However, as the train came to a lurching and violent (although amusing to watch the four blobs bounce off one another) stop, I noticed that, to even more of my astonishment and amazement at having to stand, that not five, not even six, but a total of seven not-fat people (I hesitate to call them skinny as they were probably of my build) were seated opposite Porkeyville.

After another tirade (again, internal, still fearful) I began to imagine writing a letter to CityRail, or that laughable fellow Mr. Iemma, or one of his cronies, to ask that the new 'letter of the law' dictate that people of weight be required to stand. What would the weight limit be? What ever is higher than mine, of course. If you weigh more than 1.0000~ Thomas, you should be made to stand. Not in my way, mind you. I do detest having to rub against people in the scramble to live another day and exit the train (I suspect there are people that get off on this, though, not necessarily off on me (that would be a first!)). This policy would also help in getting these people fit! I would be initiating a national, or at least state-wide, health program aimed at getting those who manage to eat more than that of an Ethiopian's life-time in tip-top shape.

I would also be providing the motivation for these dwarf-planets (equal to that of Pluto's new ranking if you have been keeping an eye on the scientific world as of late) to get fit. If you want to sit down: exercise, stop eating, diet. Your weight isn't doing anything for your knees at the moment, and standing certainly isn't going to fix them. Why, you see every day a diet "report" (I actually laughed that I said report in this context) on A.C.A. and Today Tonight, revealing the "successful" ways of shedding those extra thousand pounds. What's more, if you stand up, you have to attempt (unless you are trying to cop a feel) to stay balanced and upright, and not rolling around on the floor. That means no free hands to have that pre-pre-dinner snack or post-post-breakfast meal (as I will gladly report two of the four Thomas-seat-occupiers were indulging in). You'll be shedding the kilos just by standing up!

And it's all because of Thomas.

Perhaps that type of diet could catch on. I wonder if A.C.A. are interested in the Northcutt-method .....

Regardless, this is the policy I hope that CityRail/Mr. Iemma/B. A. Cronie would be interested in. I'm sure they are concerned about the state of their (piss-poor) trains and, because of seating arrangements, would be concerned about weight distribution issues and the mechanics of their, said, (piss-poor) trains. By having these persons of circumference stand in a straight line, and two at each door (if, indeed, they can fit), all additional and unnecessary pressures on suspensions, wheels, tracks, and China, would be averted.

So would be the amendment to the law: The Thomas Act 1.0.

Thomas.

The ambiguity of my last post (though, effectively, defeated as this will appear at the head of my blog page) will be resolved here. Above my reply from Mr. Kian, I had received an email from Mrs Larisa Sosnitskaya, with the title "Hello". Single, lonely, and a subscriber to "RussianWifes4You" (not really, but I do get an alarming amount of email from mail-order bride "companies"), I was predestined to open this email. However, to my appeasement (and somewhat disappointment) I had an offer here, waiting to be taken up. It was too good to be true! It wondiferous, outstounding, joyness all in text form. I'll leave you to read:

Dear sir/madam,

I am Mrs Larisa Sosnitskaya and I represent Mr. Mikhail Khordokovsky the former C.E.O of Yukos Oil Company in Russia. I have a very sensitive and confidential brief from this top (oligarch) to ask for your partnership in re-profiling funds in the sum of ($46,000,000.00). I will give the details, but in summary, the funds are coming via Bank Menatep.This is a legitimate transaction. You will be paid 20% as your commison/compensation for your active efforts and contribution to the success of this transaction.

You can catch more of the story on This website below or you can watch more of CCN or BBC to get more news about my boss.
http://www.mosnews.com/mn-files/khodorkovsky.shtml
http://www.mbktrial.com/
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/3213505.stm
http://www.themoscowtimes.com/stories/2005/04/11/041.html
http://www.nndb.com/people/633/000025558/

If you are interested,Please, provide me the following:
1. Full Name
2. Your Telephone Number and Fax Number
3. Your Contact Address.
I will provide further details and instructions. Please keep this confidential as we cannot afford more political problems.

Thanks in advance.
Regards,
Mrs Larisa Sosnitskaya

A rather 'westernised' email (specifically the ability to "catch" news at websites, the "Thanks in advance), however, big businesses are just that: big. They are global, and perhaps the person in contact with Mr. Northcutt is a Russian expatriate to some non-motherland. Although, would a true Russian, in fact, an employee of Mikhail Khodorkovsky (assuming this is the person I am to receive a windfall from) incorrectly spell his name? After confirming that I was either a sir or a madam, as nothing else appeared to be accepted, I shot of a quick reply, in hindsight, too quick, as I was eager to reply to my old friend Mr. Kian:

Dear Comrade!

I am Thomas and I am extremely interested in conducting business with your company and wish to extend my partnership to you. I look forward to receiving those details from you soon, however, to speed up this process, here are the details of myself that you requested:

Full Name: Thomas
Your Telephone Number: 97226637
Fax Number: 4663946537
Your Contact Address: 10 Beguile St., Redfern, 2016

I look forward to hearing from you soon,
Thomas.

Ah yes, I busted out the old details that I sent to Mr. Kian all those weeks ago. However, I doubt that it really matters. Bank details are the key. This one though, I think I might treat it quite differently. I think I will go so far as let them really think that they are 'taking me', rather than inventing Grand Central Station drop offs, terrorist associates and the like. Hopefully the "details" that I receive are just as good as the "partnership" I've been offered.

Thomas.

Ok ok ok. I sent the most ridiculous, the most absurd, the most outlandish reply back to Mr. Kian days ago. I stated, on this blog, that I in no way expect any form of reply, as arranging to drop of (nearly) three million dollars in train station lockers sounds like something ripped straight from the frames of a mobster movie. However, as I checked my Inbox today, I could be heard to yell out:

HURRAY FOR THE STUPID!

YES! I received a reply! And it's good this time. Damn good:

Dear Clayton,

I sent you an email as regards you sending some money to our Company Agent enabling them to have our Goods cleared in the UK. Please i need you to get back to me immedately as regards this because this has caused so many controversial issues in our Office in the UK.

I await your email.

Mr.Teo Kian

Oh the possibilities. After reading the email (and appropriately laughing each time I had caused "controversial issues"), I began to think. The ideas running through my head of a reply, of the response of all responses, to even make this person, this scammer, sit back and laugh. However, it didn't take long for me to arrive at a line of thought that not only amused me, but also would be "verifiable" in the news. Here follows:

Dear Mr. Kian,

My profound apologies. Perhaps you did not receive my last email. I did not wish to cause any sort of alarm or controversial issues at your U.K. offices.

I did, however, recruit the help of some contacts of mine, also located in the United Kingdom. they were a group of Arabic men, approximately eleven of them, and they were scheduled for flights to the United States, weeks ago, and, when they were to return, I had planned on leaving the money that is owed to you with them, and they would then pass it on to you. However, they are yet to arrive here, and I must only wonder what is keeping them. I have heard that customs ques at Heathrow Airport are significantly lengthy, however, they are late by a few weeks now. Perhaps I shall contact them soon.

With this problem, I have decided to personally fly over to your U.K. office and hand deliver the cash in person. Could you please forward me the address to said office, and I will get to work immediately. However, I may not be able to book a ticket before today is finished as I now have to go to Grand Central and pick up the money I left there for you.

I await your reply,
Clayton Northcutt.

Too much? I hope so, because I don't want to spread myself too thin with the scammers that find my email address. What does that mean? Well, you'll have to read my next post.

Clayton Northcutt.

It would appear that one of the World's worst analogies (that being "When you've started on a such a high peak, going down hill doesn't always mean that the show is about to hit rock bottom.", credited only to myself, as no one dares to touch it) has rung true. Boston Legal has picked up extremely well, almost as though some of those in charge of writing the show were, in fact, reading my blog. I wouldn't put it past them: my blog title does, after all, read "God wills it".

However, returning to this fantastic show, I offer my comments on the latest developments:

- New characters - Marlene "The Squid" Stanger, the new, recently acquired lawyer for Crane, Poole and Schmidt, is going to be, if her first episode was anything to go by, great. The tension between herself and Alan Shore has already been set up nicely, complete with hilarious staring competitions. It would appear that the actress portraying her, Parker Posey, is skilled enough in the quirky acting that is required for Boston Legal after a quick peruse of IMDB.com. Also, Michael J. Fox, the great actor he is, has made guest appearances, and !MAY! or may not appear before the season is out again, which, as I calculate things, is two episodes away.
- Less politics - This is the best part. It's not all about those American-central, and viewed, political issues. It's actually expanded to interesting cases to incorporate humour and thought on behalf of the viewer. And there is more of those borderline cases where it's not so easy to say who is right or wrong.

Sure, there's only two points, but these two, simple, changes in regards to the show has made sure that that rock that was rolling down the hill had enough momentum to start back up the next hill.

Clayton Northcutt.

Thus follows the latest email sent to the strong-willed Samuel Gordon-Stewart:

Samuel,

Once again, thank-you for the mention in your latest Persiflage, that being number seven in the series, and reading out the feedback I sent you in regards to your sixth episode. I must inform you that, for myself, the arrival of a new Persiflage was, indeed, a surprise, as it was not truly expected so soon. I wish to thank-you for that as well.

I am disappointed (though hardly in your fine self, but more along the lines of my own logic falling short) that you think my idea would not accomplish its goal. However, after deliberating more upon this topic, I have come to agree with you view of the situation concerning the (effective) hijacking and theft of Australia's phone lines, and the unsolicited, unwanted and unrequited phones call we are receiving daily, and further, the scams that are doing the rounds, both on land-lines and cellular phones, ensnaring, exploiting and deceiving the unsuspecting (for the most part) Australian public. That is why, along with the emails and messages of concern and grievance to the appropriate parties I suggested in my earlier email, we should begin now to organise a vigilante group, or something to that effect. This group would not only try to attempt to return control of our phone lines, the phone lines that we pay for and should have complete and utter control over, to the owner, but we could also campaign against the school closures that you are so vehemently opposed to, as one should be. This group could convene whenever necessary: to fight against the unjust, to right the wrongs and to do good. All this in the name of Samuel Gordon-Stewart, carried out by the man himself and his devoted fans and well-wishers! Please put some thought into this; we could even have matching uniforms and a mascot in Nattie. However, we may have to call it something other than a vigilante group, as I believe it would have associations, and possibly performed actions, that would break dissidence laws that Mr. Howard has managed to pass. Perhaps something along the lines of "SG-S Happy Fun Group"?

Clayton Northcutt.

Band together, comrades, and fight the scourge of the Earth that is capitali ..... wait, no, we are fighting against annoying and bothersome telemarketers! They bug the hell out of everyone, more so the people that are unemployed/stay-home parents/university students, who answers the phone during the day, and come to hear either a computer on one end or a delay

.....

"Hello Mr. Northcutt. How are you today?"

This is really what I have come to expect when I answer the phone during the day. So much so that now I answer if I can be bothered to stand from the chair I am in and walk a whole of six to seven metres to pick up the receiver.

But the SG-S Happy Fun Group could change this for the better. Join the rank and file of the only vigilante group that is willing to stand up against those pesky, echoing, delayed phone calls, those ridiculous, deceptive, dishonest scams and those exploited, under-paid, though annoying none-the-less Indian telemarketers!

Clayton Northcutt.

My eager wait has been rewarded. Now things take a turn for the better. I shall allow Mr. Kian to answer any question you may have thus far:

Dear Clayton,

I am in reciept of your email. I will notify Mr.Page to have the balance money sent to you.

I need you to cash the money order with you and email me as soon as funds are available to enable me instruct you on how you will remmit funds to our Company after you have remove your percentage.

I Await your swift response,

Mr.Teo Kian

Well, in all hindsight, I expect that they would be keen to get their near-on three million dollars, funds that they never, in fact, knew they were entitled to, on the basis that I may have, somewhat, fabricated that "payment information". However, the honest person I am, I thought it best to make plans immediately. After recalling I was in Redfern, New York, I had to do my research of gangster and mob films appropriately:

Dear Mr. Kian,

I hope my reply is swift enough for you. Alas I have been bed-ridden due to a severe case of rabbis I contracted from my neighbour's hamster when it went feral. As the only tenant in my apartment block with a firearms license and a 12-gauge shotgun, I was suggested to "take care" of the hamster problem. Suffice to say, it isn't a problem any more.

As to the business we intend to conduct, I have made the following plans to get you your money. I have cashed the money order and currently in possession of $2, 919, 000.00 in cash. For measurement purposes, there are 20, 000 x $100 bills, totaling $2, 000, 000, 18, 000 x $50 bills, totaling $900, 000, and 950 x $20 bills, totaling $19, 000. All bills are unmarked and guaranteed by the Chase Manhattan Bank.

I have taken the liberty to hire out, for the month, lockers #2, #4, #6 and #8 in the East Wing of Grand Central Station, in hometown New York. Tomorrow, on Monday the 21st of August, I shall put four unmarked dufflebags in the aforementioned lockers, with lockers #2 and #4 containing 10, 000 x $100 bills respectively, while locker #6 will contain the $50 bills and #8 the $20 bills, amounts mentioned above. I will store the bags at precisely 10:21A.M..

I hope this transaction is sufficient for you. Do please note that I have, as of yet, not taken out my percentage. I was hoping to leave that to you.

Wshing you a blissful day,
Clayton Northcutt.

If they weren't confused when they received the "payment information" from me last reply, surely they are now. Cash deals, Grand Central Station, shifty dufflebags, unmarked bills. If I receive a reply, really, I am going to have to start asking who I am dealing with. This is tremendous fun though. It really gets me thinking how I can mess around with these people all hours of the day. Which is why I am even more anxious for a reply now.

Clayton Northcutt.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,11069-2318511,00.html

I've got to ask the question: does anyone else suspect that this joker is saying he did it just to get the hell out of a Thai prison? I certainly am not convinced that this idiot killed that poor girl. Nearly everything he is saying goes against how the girl was killed, and what's worse, he's making himself sound like a whack-job, and may very well be going for a plea of insanity. I'll trust D.N.A ahead of some guy looking to do time in The States rather that Thailand any day.

Thomas.

When I thought the shenanigans had ended, I find this in my mailbox:

DEAR EDF/015 /CLAYTON NORTHCUTT,

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? THE ACCOUNTS AND AUDIT UNIT HAS INSTRUCTED THAT YOU FORWARD A DETAILED REPORT TO ITS DESK THROUGH ME, AS REGARDS PROCEEDINGS WITH OUR CLIENT MR THOMAS PAGE.

THE ABOVE CLIENT CLAIMS HE HAS MADE PAYMENTS FOR HIS PRODUCTS THROUGH YOU TWO DAYS AGO. BUT WE ARE YET TO HEAR WORD FROM YOU AS REGARDS THIS ISSUE. AND THIS SITUATION HAS RAISED UNECESSARY CONTROVERSY IN OUR ORGANISATION. \

YOU ARE ADVICED TO FORWARD AS SOON AS POSSIBLE,A COMPREHENSIVE REPORT ON THE SITUATION OF MR THOMAS PAGE, THE CLIENT WHOM CLAIM TO HAVE ISSUED OUT PAYMENT TO YOU.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

MR. TEO KIAN

It must of of extreme importance, written solely in Caps Lock, however, I was more worried that I must have "misplaced" this payment report concerning Mr. Thomas Page. It would be far from my intention to cause controversy in thei ..... well, I did want to mess around with them. So, I went looking and "found" the payment report:

Mr. Kian,

I'm on top of the world. Please find enclosed the copy of the payment report for customer Thomas Page:

Client: Page, Thomas

Contact Number: 1800 33 30 00

Account Number: #16728394

Payment Due: $2, 919, 000.00

Payment Made: $2, 919, 000.00

This is what was forwarded to me via the Matsushita Semiconductor Company Ltd.. I hope all controversy is alleviated.

Clayton Northcutt.

I would like to know who they think they are dealing with when the receive that. Not only did I "find" an imaginary payment report, not only have I supposedly done business with someone that they have, in all likelihood, made up (also note that Thomas Page also has the same contact number as Crime Stoppers Australia, and do hope they call them), but somehow he has done nearly three million dollars worth of business. Now I'm eager for a response once more.

Clayton Northcutt.

Studying imperialism at Sydney University, I originally feared, would be a sorry task in as much as the course would turn out to be simply an apologetic, left-wing take on "facts" and slaughtering of British history by someone spouting isolated scenarios, situations and events and rhetoric from an authoritative position. Why is that? Well, lets face it, every other subject, bar the sciences and maths (and even then I think they probably deal with negative numbers which are left of 0), are exactly like that. However, I now regret not having taken this course significantly earlier. And it's because of one person: Prof. Bernard Porter. He is the "replacement" lecturer (though should, by far, be the permanent), shipped in from Sweden (I believe), originally hailing from Britain no less.

Anyone who may have an interest in the topic will know that Porter is the authoritative voice on British imperialism. And he is regarded as so because he comes off, in his writings and lectures, as a-political; that is to say he is neither defending nor trashing the process of imperialism, but simply presenting the facts, refraining from judgment and not skewing anything any direction for some hidden leftist, or rightist, agenda.

For anyone who hasn't a clue about this topic, I'll just say this: the man is cited in Wiki! You know you're onto something, you know you've made it in life, you know you are set when you are referenced in the holy Wiki. But, my short-sightedness, he isn't merely cited, no, his name is mentioned in article, complete with a proposed page! Oh the prestige!

The fact that he is my lecturer is probably of no mere interest to anyone, but, with the off chance that someone, somewhere, might have read his books, two of which, The Lion's Share and Empire and Superempire: Britain, America and the World, now appear in my Favourite Books section of my profile (an achievement that may very well rival appearing in Wiki), or have had Porter for lectures himself: drop me a line.

Clayton Northcutt.

The always eloquent Samuel Gordon-Stewart has blown the world away with his oratory and interview skills. Now, any Gordon-Stewart-aniac would know just how masterful Samuel is on his Samuel's Persiflage. However, I have just finished listening to Samuel get a grilling on You Are The Guest, and it is, by far, one of the greatest interviews in the world! It keeps you on the edge of you seat the whole way through. Waiting for Samuel's opinion, waiting for Samuel's answer, waiting for Samuel's rhetoric. As Samuel says, you can find the interview right here.

It makes young Samuel seem all the more human (not that I ever doubted with his startling, vivid, hand-made Samuel in Dolgnwot cartoons) and just that little harder (for those unscrupulous people out there) to pick on. It's a heart-wrenching interview, it pulls on all your emotions, it plays on your conscious. It's one of those things that you will tell your grandchildren about in x-amount of years.

There is only two critiques:

- I wouldn't say that most people are against Israel in the Israel/Lebanon war in as much as certain groups are for certain peoples. Those "brainwashed" by the media as to the 'running rampart Muslim terrorists', planes crashing out of the sky every second of the day, those convinced they are living in a World of fear are believing that Israel is in the right. Then all the anti-Jewish groups (which are barbarous and absolutely disgusting in their own respects) are saying Israel is wrong. Then there are the people in the middle that just don't give a crap unfortunately. And in the crap, individualistic World people live in nowadays, what can you expect?

- Samuel says that the state of Australia is reasonable. Though that is his opinion, which he is entitled to, I would beg to differ. My response would range between craptacular and fucked. But that's just me. Perhaps us 'City-folk' only get to see the high petrol prices, increasing interest rate, late trains, water restriction, inept government, a shambled education system, a society that is falling apart with each murder, rape, robbery, theft, an increase in isolationism and other moral decays that have resulted from our own actions. But I hear that Canberra is a much more relaxed place. I wonder if Samuel knows of any places to rent ....

Clayton Northcutt.

It was a somber mood at the University of Sydney today. V.S.U., as all (who are concerned) are aware, has been passed. To counter this, the S.R.C. is attempting to get full funding provided by the University with, alas, no strings attached. Of course, all the people under threat of having to actually attend lectures and tutorials (alas, the cruel world!) proclaim that with a showing of "force" V.S.U. will effectively be annulled when the University pays for everything, and thus, they are out, urging everyone to attend today's, well, interesting form of protest. Yes, they plan (I suspect) on interrupting the Senate meeting tonight where I believe they are talking about the funding. Yes, they are making a scene. And, yes, the left-wingers have their chance to peddle their Socialist Alternative group, their Left Weekly paper and their anti-authoritarian/hairbrush dreadlocks. But, all this in the form of a camp out.

Yes, on the lawns across from Fisher Library, are a whole bunch of ..... tents. And people. And security. In fact, when I left, security had outnumbered the protesters. However, I doubt that will be the case at the minute the clock-tower hits 4:30 and the Senate meeting is underway. For all I care the Senate can fund the Union. For all I also care, they could choose not too. I'm that apathetic towards the Union now that I'm not forced to pay any Union fees. The Union could exist or the Union could die in the self-wallowing dung-hole that they currently reside in.

What I am interested in is what (I imagine) will be happening when the Senate meeting finishes, or is called off due to the protester's interference. And if this were to happen, well, I may very well look more favourably upon the ol' S.R.C. from here on:

- The protesters are eventually ushered out of the Main Quad. and back to their Tent Embassy rip-off
- They proceed to produce acoustic guitars and sing rounds of Kumbaya
- Eventually everyone gets hungry and they migrate towards Broadway for food because their Union builds and stores have closed for the day, thus proving the point that one can exist on campus without having to use Union-funded facilities
- They all return, though, with significantly more numbers as the homeless have joined the "crusade" (or are looking for a place to sleep)
- They begin to light up camp fires and, because most of the students present are drunk through attending sessions at Manning Bar rather than their lectures, they continue to sing Kumbaya
- Someone breaks out the hash (because we all know that the Union is really only a front for drug-taking and alcohol consumption) and everyone gets stoned in their little tepees
- I return to University tomorrow to find a few dozen baked S.R.C. members and supporters crawling out of their collapsed tents to find that the Senate has actually taken the advice of their hired advisers (PriceWaterouseCoopers none-the-less) and have stripped the Union down to the bare-basics, cut back on the costs and have mailed them all a check for $15.83 for the running costs of next year

For once I'm actually looking forward to going tomorrow.

Clayton Northcutt.

Alas it would appear that my 'fun' with Mr. Kian of Matsushita Company Limited has come to an end. Today I received two of the initial emails I received from the company those weeks ago, so I assume that they have either forgotten about me or couldn't locate Redfern on a New York map (or, perhaps, New York for that fact) or couldn't get through to the numbers that I gave them as my own. However, my eyes are peeled for further emails from my friend Teo.

Clayton Northcutt.

When I didn't think I could probably muster the thought to post anything more amusing that my prior post (which, granted, was a poor attempt), I am provided with, well, this:

Boxer Mundine keen to move into politics

Hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha.

I can't even understand that joker, and that was before he had his face beat in for a job. One part of me wants to see him successfully go into politics, get elected and go into parliament only to get ripped to shreds by the educated/more articulate jokers that fill the seats.

But then the other side of me doesn't actually want 'The Man' anywhere near to the place where I am (supposedly) represented by someone I didn't vote for. Mundine wants to bang the desk and beat his chest about how the government is racist and that. Well, without starting that debate, lets say, hypothetically, that there are those types of 'extreme' views in parliament. Is it a better idea to throw in Mundine, the opposite of the spectrum, but still, by far, the holder of 'extreme' views, than to simply remove these so-called racists that are flooding the parliament, according to Anthony?

Get back in the ring son. You need to understand what a racist bigot actually is before you call someone that. I'm sure that your local library could provide you with a dictionary for a whole of five minutes to get some 'big words' into your vocabulary and then, once you're proficient enough, you can call everyone anything you want, as long as, of course, it can be backed by evidence and the like.

Clayton Northcutt.

My latest email from Mr. Kian

Dear EDF/015 /Clayton Northcutt,

How are you and your Family?

I need you to email me as per payment you are to recieve from my customer, if he has contacted you or issued out payment to you on behalf of our Company.

We hope to get your email soon.
Mr.Teo Kian

Would it be too presumptuous to ask for cash? Actually, I wonder what he/they would say:

Dear. Mr. Kian

My family, alas, were killed in a polar-bear attack last time they were visiting Antarctica, so I expect that they are well.

I have had no contact with any customer or such and would prefer any payments in cash. Alas I have received no product lists or price list of which I can show to my associates and offer them these counterfeit fridges. Is it possible for you to send me one on your supplier's behalf?

Wishing you a more blissful day,
EDF/015 /Clayton Northcutt

I eagerly await his response.

Clayton Northcutt.

When you thought that the Internet only really existed for porn and bloggers without a life (the two go hand-in-hand, don't they?) an actual interesting, smart, thought-provoking idea emerges:

http://www.keo.org/

In a nutshell, in 50, 000 years time (from next year I believe) a time capsule, that was shot into space by us, will come back to Earth. On board there is a whole bunch of stuff (the list in on the website linked), but, interestingly enough, 4-page messages from whoever submits, well, their four pages. (They say that they will be carrying 6-billion persons messages, but I don't think there is much Internet access in the Sub-Saharan, or, for that matter, Telstra in outback Australia.) It's mind-boggling to think that, if we haven't killed off the Earth, or each other, or nuked everyone back to the Stone Age, in 52007/8, give or take one assumes, someone could be reading a message, care of good ol' Clayton. And, not to get all 'emo' on anyone, but I do wonder what sort of things 'they' (because there's no guarantee that we won't have been assimilated into Hutt Space) would want to hear, or read. I'm going to have to think long and hard about my 6000 characters. I'll probably end up putting more thought and effort into this than the handful of University assignments I have due this semester. I love having my priorities right.

Clayton Northcutt.

http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,20042743-5005962,00.html

If there's anything I can't pass up it's Euro-bashing. And it's quite pertinent here in that they, the Euros, are bashing us, the Aussies. Now here we have a simple equation: the E.U., already with a "strong-arm" reputation abroad, needs to "save the world" to get a better image in their main competition market: The U.S.. How can they do this? Be like a charity, but taxes, subsidies, tariffs etc. between the developed, transitional and developing economies of the world. How else can they do this? By getting the big world economy of The U.S. to start. Granted they have some of the tightest, closed-off markets in the world (which, in a domestic economic standard, is acceptable to a degree), and so as to not to piss off their electorate by costing jobs and standards of living, the governments over time have ensured they stay closed off.

But for those E.U. bums to go and say that blame sits on Australia for the failed Doha talks and, further, that we have "bias" for The U.S. (which is probably true to an extent, though, nothing like what Mr. Mandelson seems to insinuate) is one of the stupidest notions ever. To begin with, since when has the world's most important country (unfortunately), important economy (unfortunately), ever answered to ..... well ..... anyone, much less Australia? This is a country that invaded two countries, one of which was condemned by the United Nations, THE UNITED NATIONS, that is, the rest of the world in effect, has stopped short of calling for a cease-fire in a battle they aren't actively involved with, and refuse to do anything about humane living standards (or lack there-of) with their major trading partners so long as they receive their quick buck. I'm quite sure that these people, this current government (or any for that matter) are even close to thinking about following an Australian "initiative" on trade or, for that fact, caring what we have to say regarding their domestic and international economic situation that will, in all actuality, cost their people jobs and money (though that isn't to defend anyone here).

We should cast our look to the good ol' E.U. and how they have muscled their way into the world of economy. Lets look at how they (the E.U.) have forced The Motherland, England, to taper off and cease a significant amount of trade with non-European countries (that is, Australia, and, more importantly, the rest of their Commonwealth/Empire). How about Australia demand our reliance on The U.S. and on Chinese economies as a direct result of their (the E.U.) economic demands and "persuasion" with England. Yes, granted, England has a (supposed) choice to join the E.U. or not, and, thankfully, they are exercising it by holding off from joining that internationally corrupt "Union", but how much was there in the choice that they had to turn from trading with Australia and the like to trading with the rest of Europe.

Simply put, the E.U. and Mr. Peter Mandelson is a hypocrite. He demands the opposite of what he and his group of thugs do. For all I care Australia and The U.S. should close off their economic boundaries to the E.U. just to stick it to them, and to get them in line, rather than letting them flaunt their (apparently) lacking power.

Clayton Northcutt.

In between my busy schedule of selling counterfeit fridges and other electronic goods, I stumbled upon the Australian squad for the ICC Champions Trophy, found here. Quite an interesting squad and, thankfully, looks like the selectors are beginning to go fishing for the next generation of Australian cricketers. Alas, though, this is only a One-Day Competition and, to further my alas, I don't expect too many of these names to either feature in headline team to a great extent nor to pop their heads up for Test spots, to the selector's fault and none of the players.

Ricky Ponting (capt), Adam Gilchrist (vice-capt), Travis Birt, Doug Bollinger, Nathan Bracken, Stuart Clark, Michael Clarke, Mark Cosgrove, Dan Cullen, Brett Dorey, Brad Haddin, Matthew Hayden, Ben Hilfenhaus, Brad Hogg, Brad Hodge, James Hopes, David Hussey, Mike Hussey, Phil Jacques, Mitchell Johnson, Simon Katich, Brett Lee, Michael Lewis, Glenn McGrath, Shaun Marsh, Damien Martyn, Andrew Symonds, Shaun Tait, Shane Watson, Cameron White.

Clayton Northcutt.

From here on in I am no longer known simply as Clayton Northcutt, but the far more dignified and trustworthy EDF/015 /Clayton Northcutt. That's right, I received my notice of employment, received my identification tag, received the next email from my new boss Mr. Teo Ming Kian. Yes, my new boss. I'm proud to say that I am now a member of the esteemed Matsushita Semiconductor Company Ltd. and will be expecting my 10% (yes, the commission has once again changed) commission from selling the (somewhat, hell, certainly) illegal products shipped into Redfern, New York from Singapore. I'll all you all to enjoy my good news as well with the email I received:

Mr Teo Ming Kian

Chairman,

Matsushita Semiconductor

250 North Bridge Road

#28-00 Raffles City Tower

Singapore 179101.

LETTER OF APPOINTMENT

This email is to bring to the notice of its recipient by Clayton Northcutt and of identification number EDF/015 /Clayton Northcutt that from now hence forth,He or She has been appointed a Staff of Matsushita Semiconductor Company based in Singapore and thereby to be the Executive Officer of Outlet EDF23.

From now henceforth,He or She has been given sole responsibility to act on behalf of the company in your locality and beyond.

Your appointment starts from today and you would be on a 10% commision for each sale of products and also for any payment He or She receives from already existing customers.

Send us your contact address and full name with your mobile number and fax number so that we can contact you as we have given you the letter of appointment.

The entire company wishes you well welcomes you to this great and challenging position you have been appointed to handle.

Thank you for your time amd patince.We await your response to this email.

Yours Sincerely,

Mr Teo Kian

Chairman

Matsushita Company Limited

The next round's on me gentlemen. I expect I'll be rolling in it for years to come with thanks to Mr. Kian and his wonderful job oportunity. Of all people to choose in the millions that would have replied to his generous offers, he chose me! I feel so blissful (ala his closing in prior emails) and cannot wait till he recieves my response:

Dear Mr. Kian,

Please find below my contact information that you requested. I am terribly excited to find myself in the employment of the Matsushita Company and will endeavour to preform my job to the expectations of my fine employers.

Your full name: Clayton Northcutt

Contact address: 10 Beguile St., Redfern, New York, 10110

Home number: 97226637

Mobile number: 4663946537

Please pass on my greetings to the rest of the company and tell them that I plan to speak to each and every one of them in an attempt to establish the report and friendship that you expect your employees to share between one another.

Hoping you are having a blissful day,

Clayton Northcutt.

What is grand is that I have, as Mr. Kian has gratefully appointed to my authority, "sole responsibility to act on behalf of the company in your locality and beyond." And with the imposing rank of Executive Officer of Outlet EDF23. Thus, if anyone steps on my turf (my turf being my locality and beyond, which I can only assume is the world), with illegal refrigerators or semiconductors (alas I am unsure what it is exactly I am selling), be prepared for a showdown with the Executive Officer of Outlet EDF23, EDF/015 /Clayton Northcutt*.

Clayton Northcutt.

*I only realised after writing that sentence that my identification tag number and my outlet number are quite similar. Pure coincidence I expect.

I have recieved the only compliment that shall ever mean something to my now humble self from the always highly-regarded and learned Samuel Gordon-Stewart:

Hi Clayton,

I have an article of a similar theme coming up shortly, I'll be sure to mention yours! Keep up the good work.

Regards,
Samuel.

Good work he says!

Clayton Northcutt.

In an attempt to spread the ideal of 'scamming the scammers' (quite a e-culture hit, if you know about it), I have decided to spread the word of my activities to the ever-insightful and learned Samuel Gordon-Stewart.

Samuel,

In the interest of our earlier discussion about scammers and swindlers, I have make contact with a person of that kind in an attempt to teach him a lesson. The initial email I recieved, my first reply, along with the latest talks between myself and the so-called Mr. Kian are located on my blog. I do hope you approve and, perhaps, mention it on your blog or, with greater and much more esteem, mention it on your great Persiflage, so that we can band together and teach these people a lesson that we are not a people to be trifled with. Remember, I'm not just doing this for my own amusement, I'm doing this for us Samuel!

Clayton Northcutt.

Clayton Northcutt.

Well, my future career is well on it's way. In less than a 24-hour period Mr. Teo Ming Kian has returned my email, albeit with a different address (though I suspect I am corresponding with him on a personal basis now, so I feel even more secure), with further details. He also, probably purely for ease, typed his email entirely in bold:

Dear Clayton Northcutt,

We truely appreciate your swift response to our email.Your response brings to the fact that you are willing and wanting to help us in acquiring our dream of expansivity which we have stated in our previous email to you.We believe that with you,we would be able to attain our core purpose of reaching all in the United States and Canada this year.

Since we have been furnished with your information,we would give you a call to confirm the authentification of your information to enable us proceed to the next level or strata in working together.But before we do,we would want to bring to your notice about some certain norms of the company.This rules and regulation has kept us so well in business since our inception in the year 1970.

They are :

A commitment to delivering what you promise

A passion for change and innovative thinking

Respect for others

Care for the environment

Good teamwork, coupled with the ability to communicate well and build good relationships

An exceptional work ethic

We would want you to get back to us as soon as possible stating your view about this.Your swiftness would enable us send you your identification number or tag.This tag would enable you to act on behalf of the company and it would also give to you the opportunity to relate freely with other STAFF of the company and also with future customers and already existing onces.

Note that, as our receiving officer, you will receive 5% commission of whatever amount you receive on behalf of the company and the balance will be paid into an account we will avail to you.

Please, to facilitate the conclusion of this transaction if accepted, do send me promptly by email the following:
(1)Your full names,

(2)Contact address,

(3)Phone/Fax.

Thank you once again for your time and patience.We look forward to hearing from you.

Endeavour to get back to us as soon as possible if you know you would be able to meet up with those demands.

Wishing you a blissful day.

Mr Teo Ming Kian,

Chairman,

Matsushita Semiconductor Company

Quite clearly Mr. Teo Ming Kian is a far better email-writer than his pithy secretary as the format and spelling is adequate for understanding this time. Without further wait or pause I returned my detail (with thanks to myself for blogging my original ones) to Mr. Kian:

Dear Mr Teo Ming Kian,

Thank-you very much for your prompt reply. I do appologise for the tardiness of my initial response, however, now that you have stayed loyal to myself and my interest in your position, I feel much more assured that I will be a great employee for you. It is my dream also to expand your business in the future and to get your products over to my home country and those northerners the Canadians.

I would look forward to your call, however, I was hoping that our correspondence would remain through the emails as I would much rather deal with you in person Mr. Kian, as you seem to be a much more trustworthy person than any secretary or such that would be speaking to me over the phone.

I do intend to move to the next strata of employment with you, and I would like to tell you that I have never broken a promise in my life, I've had a passion for change and innovative thing, respect for everyone, immense care for the environment, I work well in teams and I build relationships on trust and care, I am an excellent communicator and have an exceptional work ethic. In my previous job I never missed a train that I have to itinerant and assess.

I hope my reply is within your allotted time limit and that my email is swift. I look forward to receiving my identification number as this would secure my trust within your company and to meet my fellow employees. Also, you 5% commission rate is very much appreciated as it will endeavour me to work harder, on your behalf, to gain more wealth for the both of us. Please find from here the details you required:

(1)Your full names, Clayton Northcutt

(2)Contact address, 10 Beguile St., Redfern, New York, 10110

(3)Phone/Fax. Home: 97226637, Mobile: 4663946537

Wishing you a blissful day too,

Clayton Northcutt.

Alas my initial 10% commission rate has been halved, already, but, as I suffer from dyscalculia I shouldn't be too unhappy, should I? I have, also, to secure this job, relocated the suburb of Redfern to New York. I am sure they will enjoy it. Further, to truly relate to this important individual, I have decided to adopt their courteous and kind 'close' on an email, "wishing you a blissful day", in the hopes that Mr. Kian does, in fact, consider me for the next strata of employment and share their dream of expansivity (or is that a dream of making up words?). I do hope I didn't 'lay it on' too much because I do want to keep this going. Perhaps I will send it to A.C.A. of Today Tonight. They are always in for this kind of story.

Clayton Northcutt.

It looks as though I'm in for a career change. Here follows, from the desk of a one Mr. Teo Ming Kian, the reputable and respected Chairman of Matsushita Semiconductor[s], located in the classy and heated Singapore, grammatical and spelling mistakes unaltered:

From The Desk Of

Mr Teo Ming Kian Chairman,

Matsushita Semiconductor

250 North Bridge Road

#28-00 Raffles City Tower

Singapore 179101.

Date 1st/ August/ 2006

MSC CO LTD SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE IN OPENING OF NEW OUTLETS IN YOUR LOCALITY

Dear Friend,

This email comes to you from the desk of Mr Teo Ming Kian chairmanMATSUSHITA SEMICONDUCTOR COMPANY LIMITED based in Singapore.Matsushita is a Global manufactural of Gray market goods,and this areitems manufactured abroad and imported into the US without the consent ofthe trademark holder. Examples of such goods are REFRIGERATORS of allkinds,Electronics and Home Appliances.

We import this products into the World Trade Market at large and due tothe high demands of our products , we have been able to acquire outletsall over Europe,Asia and America where our products can be bought. And asat today, there are 10 Matsushita companies in Singapore, including itsAsia-Pacific headquarters and eight manufacturing companies in varioussectors, ranging from refrigerator compressors to consumer electronics toadvanced displays and semiconductors.

Due to the high rate of sucess in the last fiscal year of trading in theUnited States,Canada and Europe. We have deceided to embark on majorexpansion plan in these Countries even as the global economy is showingoptimistic signs of pick-up.We intend doing this by wanting to open newoutlets where our products can be bought from.

This idea of more outlets is making us to contact you today to know if youwould be able to perform the following task for us which are listed below

1 Helping in the sales of our products to willing customers that arewanting to buy.

2 Receiving payments from customers by all means of payment method thatis available, and one that suits their convinent at that point in time.

We want to bring to your notice that this position does not require anyrelevant experience and it is best suited for all { graduates,professionals and non graduates}.

If you deem you are fit enough for this job,we would want you to supply orfurnish us with the following information via email

1 Your Full Name As It Would Appear On Your Letter Of Appointment

2 Your Contact Address

3 Telephone Number { Both Home And Mobile} / Fax

4 Your Present Occupation

5 Lastly,we would want to know if you have any form of dis-ability

Note that if we eventually deem you fit for this position,you would beplaced on a 10% commision for each sales and any amount you help receivefrom customers.Thank you so very much for having the patient and time to read thisemail.We look forward to hearing from you.

Wishing you a Blissful day,

Mr Teo Ming Kian,

Chairman,

Matsushita Semiconductor Company.

Website www.sedb.com

I had my suspicions that this, was in fact, a scam, however, after their company website was linked straight to the Singaporean E.D.B. Government website, I felt safe in my opinion that this was, actually, a legitimate job opportunity. Obviously I would love to be part of an illegal dealership associated with the breaking of international and national trademark and copyright laws. Thus, I returned their email (note I have taken liberties to make my email reach the standards of presentation that their initial email should have appeared with):

Greetings!

I am extremely interested in your offer for a position in the deal you are offering. As per your email, here are my details :

1 Your Full Name As It Would Appear On Your Letter Of Appointment: Clayton Northcutt

2 Your Contact Address: 10 Beguile St., Redfern, 2016

3 Telephone Number (Both Home And Mobile)/ Fax: Home: 97226637, Mobile: 4663946537

4 Your Present Occupation: Itinerant and Standards Assessor for CityRail Pty. Ltd.

5 Lastly, we would want to know if you have any form of dis-ability: None what-so-ever.

It should be noted that, in the interest of actually trying to get a reply from the reputable Mr Teo Ming Kian , I then changed my answer for number five to:

5 Lastly, we would want to know if you have any form of dis-ability: I do have dyscalculia, which means that I have some trouble understanding some things, however, I am keen to learn new things and, as a result, am very trusting off my teachers and employers because they know best.

As I said, I am extremely interested in the position as my current employment is quite a letdown. I am eager and willing to set up a shop with you to see your goods. Please get back to me soon.

Clayton Northcutt.

Now I readily understand that to the quick reader (and hopefully my future employer) a few points would have gone unnoticed:

- I live on Beguile St., beguile being a synonym for scam.

- My home phone number, 97226637, in fact spells out 9-SCAMMER

- My mobile number, 4663946537, reads HOODWINKER

- My current employment, Itinerant and Standards Assessor for CityRail Pty. Ltd., means, effectively, I am a traveler and critiquer of CityRail services.

- Dyscalculia, in no way used with intent of offense to actual suffers, is someone with learning disabilities in the field of mathematics. Hopefully this does not deter the employer that I may not be able to do simple math, no know how much 10% of anything is, nay, what 10% even is.

Do stay tuned loyal readers for any further correspondence with my (hopeful) future boss and the prospects of my job application.

Clayton Northcutt.