The following people, in my mind, should be obliged to give their seat up on trains for the elderly, the senior, (most) women, the disabled, the pregnant and me:

- Kids
- Teenagers
- Men
- Feminists (those left over from the most; especially if they have recently said that they are not treated equally)
- Communists (because everyone should be standing or everyone should sitting by their logic, right?)
- Fat people

Yes, fat people. On my daily trip into the hell-hole that be Sydney City, I was astonished and amazed that as I set foot upon CityRail's Carriage of Death, not one soul, person or being (as, in my mind, there are many a non-persons out there) saw it fit to stand and graciously, though with due reason, offer their seat to me. Far be it from the fact that I was, in all assessment, younger than anyone else I could spy, or that I am fit enough to stand (though hardly fit enough to do much else) or that I am in no way physically disabled; is it too much to expect to be offered a seat?

Apparently so. However, I was further alarmed at the fact that I could have, in all honesty, had my seat, if the average weight on one side of the train was lower than 200kgs. Yes, it was Fat Camp Excursion Day (or something to that effect). I'm surprised I didn't fall to the side upon entering the carriage, as four rather large, hell, fat/obese persons were sitting in a row on the bench in the area that is neither upstairs nor down (limbo perhaps?).

I cocked an eyebrow (as best I could, which isn't too successful) and stood up against the door, eying off and abusing (internal monologue of course, for fear of being consumed by those being mentally abused) each of the 5-times-a-day McDonalds patrons that had so rudely caused me an inconvenience and dishonour. However, as the train came to a lurching and violent (although amusing to watch the four blobs bounce off one another) stop, I noticed that, to even more of my astonishment and amazement at having to stand, that not five, not even six, but a total of seven not-fat people (I hesitate to call them skinny as they were probably of my build) were seated opposite Porkeyville.

After another tirade (again, internal, still fearful) I began to imagine writing a letter to CityRail, or that laughable fellow Mr. Iemma, or one of his cronies, to ask that the new 'letter of the law' dictate that people of weight be required to stand. What would the weight limit be? What ever is higher than mine, of course. If you weigh more than 1.0000~ Thomas, you should be made to stand. Not in my way, mind you. I do detest having to rub against people in the scramble to live another day and exit the train (I suspect there are people that get off on this, though, not necessarily off on me (that would be a first!)). This policy would also help in getting these people fit! I would be initiating a national, or at least state-wide, health program aimed at getting those who manage to eat more than that of an Ethiopian's life-time in tip-top shape.

I would also be providing the motivation for these dwarf-planets (equal to that of Pluto's new ranking if you have been keeping an eye on the scientific world as of late) to get fit. If you want to sit down: exercise, stop eating, diet. Your weight isn't doing anything for your knees at the moment, and standing certainly isn't going to fix them. Why, you see every day a diet "report" (I actually laughed that I said report in this context) on A.C.A. and Today Tonight, revealing the "successful" ways of shedding those extra thousand pounds. What's more, if you stand up, you have to attempt (unless you are trying to cop a feel) to stay balanced and upright, and not rolling around on the floor. That means no free hands to have that pre-pre-dinner snack or post-post-breakfast meal (as I will gladly report two of the four Thomas-seat-occupiers were indulging in). You'll be shedding the kilos just by standing up!

And it's all because of Thomas.

Perhaps that type of diet could catch on. I wonder if A.C.A. are interested in the Northcutt-method .....

Regardless, this is the policy I hope that CityRail/Mr. Iemma/B. A. Cronie would be interested in. I'm sure they are concerned about the state of their (piss-poor) trains and, because of seating arrangements, would be concerned about weight distribution issues and the mechanics of their, said, (piss-poor) trains. By having these persons of circumference stand in a straight line, and two at each door (if, indeed, they can fit), all additional and unnecessary pressures on suspensions, wheels, tracks, and China, would be averted.

So would be the amendment to the law: The Thomas Act 1.0.

Thomas.

The ambiguity of my last post (though, effectively, defeated as this will appear at the head of my blog page) will be resolved here. Above my reply from Mr. Kian, I had received an email from Mrs Larisa Sosnitskaya, with the title "Hello". Single, lonely, and a subscriber to "RussianWifes4You" (not really, but I do get an alarming amount of email from mail-order bride "companies"), I was predestined to open this email. However, to my appeasement (and somewhat disappointment) I had an offer here, waiting to be taken up. It was too good to be true! It wondiferous, outstounding, joyness all in text form. I'll leave you to read:

Dear sir/madam,

I am Mrs Larisa Sosnitskaya and I represent Mr. Mikhail Khordokovsky the former C.E.O of Yukos Oil Company in Russia. I have a very sensitive and confidential brief from this top (oligarch) to ask for your partnership in re-profiling funds in the sum of ($46,000,000.00). I will give the details, but in summary, the funds are coming via Bank Menatep.This is a legitimate transaction. You will be paid 20% as your commison/compensation for your active efforts and contribution to the success of this transaction.

You can catch more of the story on This website below or you can watch more of CCN or BBC to get more news about my boss.
http://www.mosnews.com/mn-files/khodorkovsky.shtml
http://www.mbktrial.com/
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/3213505.stm
http://www.themoscowtimes.com/stories/2005/04/11/041.html
http://www.nndb.com/people/633/000025558/

If you are interested,Please, provide me the following:
1. Full Name
2. Your Telephone Number and Fax Number
3. Your Contact Address.
I will provide further details and instructions. Please keep this confidential as we cannot afford more political problems.

Thanks in advance.
Regards,
Mrs Larisa Sosnitskaya

A rather 'westernised' email (specifically the ability to "catch" news at websites, the "Thanks in advance), however, big businesses are just that: big. They are global, and perhaps the person in contact with Mr. Northcutt is a Russian expatriate to some non-motherland. Although, would a true Russian, in fact, an employee of Mikhail Khodorkovsky (assuming this is the person I am to receive a windfall from) incorrectly spell his name? After confirming that I was either a sir or a madam, as nothing else appeared to be accepted, I shot of a quick reply, in hindsight, too quick, as I was eager to reply to my old friend Mr. Kian:

Dear Comrade!

I am Thomas and I am extremely interested in conducting business with your company and wish to extend my partnership to you. I look forward to receiving those details from you soon, however, to speed up this process, here are the details of myself that you requested:

Full Name: Thomas
Your Telephone Number: 97226637
Fax Number: 4663946537
Your Contact Address: 10 Beguile St., Redfern, 2016

I look forward to hearing from you soon,
Thomas.

Ah yes, I busted out the old details that I sent to Mr. Kian all those weeks ago. However, I doubt that it really matters. Bank details are the key. This one though, I think I might treat it quite differently. I think I will go so far as let them really think that they are 'taking me', rather than inventing Grand Central Station drop offs, terrorist associates and the like. Hopefully the "details" that I receive are just as good as the "partnership" I've been offered.

Thomas.

Ok ok ok. I sent the most ridiculous, the most absurd, the most outlandish reply back to Mr. Kian days ago. I stated, on this blog, that I in no way expect any form of reply, as arranging to drop of (nearly) three million dollars in train station lockers sounds like something ripped straight from the frames of a mobster movie. However, as I checked my Inbox today, I could be heard to yell out:

HURRAY FOR THE STUPID!

YES! I received a reply! And it's good this time. Damn good:

Dear Clayton,

I sent you an email as regards you sending some money to our Company Agent enabling them to have our Goods cleared in the UK. Please i need you to get back to me immedately as regards this because this has caused so many controversial issues in our Office in the UK.

I await your email.

Mr.Teo Kian

Oh the possibilities. After reading the email (and appropriately laughing each time I had caused "controversial issues"), I began to think. The ideas running through my head of a reply, of the response of all responses, to even make this person, this scammer, sit back and laugh. However, it didn't take long for me to arrive at a line of thought that not only amused me, but also would be "verifiable" in the news. Here follows:

Dear Mr. Kian,

My profound apologies. Perhaps you did not receive my last email. I did not wish to cause any sort of alarm or controversial issues at your U.K. offices.

I did, however, recruit the help of some contacts of mine, also located in the United Kingdom. they were a group of Arabic men, approximately eleven of them, and they were scheduled for flights to the United States, weeks ago, and, when they were to return, I had planned on leaving the money that is owed to you with them, and they would then pass it on to you. However, they are yet to arrive here, and I must only wonder what is keeping them. I have heard that customs ques at Heathrow Airport are significantly lengthy, however, they are late by a few weeks now. Perhaps I shall contact them soon.

With this problem, I have decided to personally fly over to your U.K. office and hand deliver the cash in person. Could you please forward me the address to said office, and I will get to work immediately. However, I may not be able to book a ticket before today is finished as I now have to go to Grand Central and pick up the money I left there for you.

I await your reply,
Clayton Northcutt.

Too much? I hope so, because I don't want to spread myself too thin with the scammers that find my email address. What does that mean? Well, you'll have to read my next post.

Clayton Northcutt.

It would appear that one of the World's worst analogies (that being "When you've started on a such a high peak, going down hill doesn't always mean that the show is about to hit rock bottom.", credited only to myself, as no one dares to touch it) has rung true. Boston Legal has picked up extremely well, almost as though some of those in charge of writing the show were, in fact, reading my blog. I wouldn't put it past them: my blog title does, after all, read "God wills it".

However, returning to this fantastic show, I offer my comments on the latest developments:

- New characters - Marlene "The Squid" Stanger, the new, recently acquired lawyer for Crane, Poole and Schmidt, is going to be, if her first episode was anything to go by, great. The tension between herself and Alan Shore has already been set up nicely, complete with hilarious staring competitions. It would appear that the actress portraying her, Parker Posey, is skilled enough in the quirky acting that is required for Boston Legal after a quick peruse of IMDB.com. Also, Michael J. Fox, the great actor he is, has made guest appearances, and !MAY! or may not appear before the season is out again, which, as I calculate things, is two episodes away.
- Less politics - This is the best part. It's not all about those American-central, and viewed, political issues. It's actually expanded to interesting cases to incorporate humour and thought on behalf of the viewer. And there is more of those borderline cases where it's not so easy to say who is right or wrong.

Sure, there's only two points, but these two, simple, changes in regards to the show has made sure that that rock that was rolling down the hill had enough momentum to start back up the next hill.

Clayton Northcutt.

Thus follows the latest email sent to the strong-willed Samuel Gordon-Stewart:

Samuel,

Once again, thank-you for the mention in your latest Persiflage, that being number seven in the series, and reading out the feedback I sent you in regards to your sixth episode. I must inform you that, for myself, the arrival of a new Persiflage was, indeed, a surprise, as it was not truly expected so soon. I wish to thank-you for that as well.

I am disappointed (though hardly in your fine self, but more along the lines of my own logic falling short) that you think my idea would not accomplish its goal. However, after deliberating more upon this topic, I have come to agree with you view of the situation concerning the (effective) hijacking and theft of Australia's phone lines, and the unsolicited, unwanted and unrequited phones call we are receiving daily, and further, the scams that are doing the rounds, both on land-lines and cellular phones, ensnaring, exploiting and deceiving the unsuspecting (for the most part) Australian public. That is why, along with the emails and messages of concern and grievance to the appropriate parties I suggested in my earlier email, we should begin now to organise a vigilante group, or something to that effect. This group would not only try to attempt to return control of our phone lines, the phone lines that we pay for and should have complete and utter control over, to the owner, but we could also campaign against the school closures that you are so vehemently opposed to, as one should be. This group could convene whenever necessary: to fight against the unjust, to right the wrongs and to do good. All this in the name of Samuel Gordon-Stewart, carried out by the man himself and his devoted fans and well-wishers! Please put some thought into this; we could even have matching uniforms and a mascot in Nattie. However, we may have to call it something other than a vigilante group, as I believe it would have associations, and possibly performed actions, that would break dissidence laws that Mr. Howard has managed to pass. Perhaps something along the lines of "SG-S Happy Fun Group"?

Clayton Northcutt.

Band together, comrades, and fight the scourge of the Earth that is capitali ..... wait, no, we are fighting against annoying and bothersome telemarketers! They bug the hell out of everyone, more so the people that are unemployed/stay-home parents/university students, who answers the phone during the day, and come to hear either a computer on one end or a delay

.....

"Hello Mr. Northcutt. How are you today?"

This is really what I have come to expect when I answer the phone during the day. So much so that now I answer if I can be bothered to stand from the chair I am in and walk a whole of six to seven metres to pick up the receiver.

But the SG-S Happy Fun Group could change this for the better. Join the rank and file of the only vigilante group that is willing to stand up against those pesky, echoing, delayed phone calls, those ridiculous, deceptive, dishonest scams and those exploited, under-paid, though annoying none-the-less Indian telemarketers!

Clayton Northcutt.

My eager wait has been rewarded. Now things take a turn for the better. I shall allow Mr. Kian to answer any question you may have thus far:

Dear Clayton,

I am in reciept of your email. I will notify Mr.Page to have the balance money sent to you.

I need you to cash the money order with you and email me as soon as funds are available to enable me instruct you on how you will remmit funds to our Company after you have remove your percentage.

I Await your swift response,

Mr.Teo Kian

Well, in all hindsight, I expect that they would be keen to get their near-on three million dollars, funds that they never, in fact, knew they were entitled to, on the basis that I may have, somewhat, fabricated that "payment information". However, the honest person I am, I thought it best to make plans immediately. After recalling I was in Redfern, New York, I had to do my research of gangster and mob films appropriately:

Dear Mr. Kian,

I hope my reply is swift enough for you. Alas I have been bed-ridden due to a severe case of rabbis I contracted from my neighbour's hamster when it went feral. As the only tenant in my apartment block with a firearms license and a 12-gauge shotgun, I was suggested to "take care" of the hamster problem. Suffice to say, it isn't a problem any more.

As to the business we intend to conduct, I have made the following plans to get you your money. I have cashed the money order and currently in possession of $2, 919, 000.00 in cash. For measurement purposes, there are 20, 000 x $100 bills, totaling $2, 000, 000, 18, 000 x $50 bills, totaling $900, 000, and 950 x $20 bills, totaling $19, 000. All bills are unmarked and guaranteed by the Chase Manhattan Bank.

I have taken the liberty to hire out, for the month, lockers #2, #4, #6 and #8 in the East Wing of Grand Central Station, in hometown New York. Tomorrow, on Monday the 21st of August, I shall put four unmarked dufflebags in the aforementioned lockers, with lockers #2 and #4 containing 10, 000 x $100 bills respectively, while locker #6 will contain the $50 bills and #8 the $20 bills, amounts mentioned above. I will store the bags at precisely 10:21A.M..

I hope this transaction is sufficient for you. Do please note that I have, as of yet, not taken out my percentage. I was hoping to leave that to you.

Wshing you a blissful day,
Clayton Northcutt.

If they weren't confused when they received the "payment information" from me last reply, surely they are now. Cash deals, Grand Central Station, shifty dufflebags, unmarked bills. If I receive a reply, really, I am going to have to start asking who I am dealing with. This is tremendous fun though. It really gets me thinking how I can mess around with these people all hours of the day. Which is why I am even more anxious for a reply now.

Clayton Northcutt.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,11069-2318511,00.html

I've got to ask the question: does anyone else suspect that this joker is saying he did it just to get the hell out of a Thai prison? I certainly am not convinced that this idiot killed that poor girl. Nearly everything he is saying goes against how the girl was killed, and what's worse, he's making himself sound like a whack-job, and may very well be going for a plea of insanity. I'll trust D.N.A ahead of some guy looking to do time in The States rather that Thailand any day.

Thomas.

When I thought the shenanigans had ended, I find this in my mailbox:

DEAR EDF/015 /CLAYTON NORTHCUTT,

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? THE ACCOUNTS AND AUDIT UNIT HAS INSTRUCTED THAT YOU FORWARD A DETAILED REPORT TO ITS DESK THROUGH ME, AS REGARDS PROCEEDINGS WITH OUR CLIENT MR THOMAS PAGE.

THE ABOVE CLIENT CLAIMS HE HAS MADE PAYMENTS FOR HIS PRODUCTS THROUGH YOU TWO DAYS AGO. BUT WE ARE YET TO HEAR WORD FROM YOU AS REGARDS THIS ISSUE. AND THIS SITUATION HAS RAISED UNECESSARY CONTROVERSY IN OUR ORGANISATION. \

YOU ARE ADVICED TO FORWARD AS SOON AS POSSIBLE,A COMPREHENSIVE REPORT ON THE SITUATION OF MR THOMAS PAGE, THE CLIENT WHOM CLAIM TO HAVE ISSUED OUT PAYMENT TO YOU.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

MR. TEO KIAN

It must of of extreme importance, written solely in Caps Lock, however, I was more worried that I must have "misplaced" this payment report concerning Mr. Thomas Page. It would be far from my intention to cause controversy in thei ..... well, I did want to mess around with them. So, I went looking and "found" the payment report:

Mr. Kian,

I'm on top of the world. Please find enclosed the copy of the payment report for customer Thomas Page:

Client: Page, Thomas

Contact Number: 1800 33 30 00

Account Number: #16728394

Payment Due: $2, 919, 000.00

Payment Made: $2, 919, 000.00

This is what was forwarded to me via the Matsushita Semiconductor Company Ltd.. I hope all controversy is alleviated.

Clayton Northcutt.

I would like to know who they think they are dealing with when the receive that. Not only did I "find" an imaginary payment report, not only have I supposedly done business with someone that they have, in all likelihood, made up (also note that Thomas Page also has the same contact number as Crime Stoppers Australia, and do hope they call them), but somehow he has done nearly three million dollars worth of business. Now I'm eager for a response once more.

Clayton Northcutt.